I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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