Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
