All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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