Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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