My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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