Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
