I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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