I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
