Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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