I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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