your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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