I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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