I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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