I wish my penis had an off switch
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
