Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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