I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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