i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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