Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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