it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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