Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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