halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
