Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
