for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
