Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
