I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
