Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
