i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
