i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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