he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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