If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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