remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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