dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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