That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
