I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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