apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
