i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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