i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
