I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
