i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
