I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
