Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
