I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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