Please, let me fuck your mom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
