Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just pynch a tree in the face
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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