I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
