i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
there is glitter all over my balls
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
