and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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