I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
