just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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