if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
