I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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