My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your cock deserves a montage
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
