She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
