after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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